We have all heard the joke about the guy that goes into the doctor's office and complains that his elbow (knee, shoulder, neck, etc.) hurts when he moves it a certain way. The doctor helpfully replies that he should stop moving it that way. Snicker, snicker. Har-de-har. There is actually some sound medical reasoning behind the doctor's advice. Sometimes that pain just means that body part needs a break. So what do you do if the pain you are having is as much emotional as it is physical?
A little history: Having babies has not been easy for me. My first three pregnancies ended in miscarriage. Horrid, tragic, heartbreaking miscarriage. After having test after test after test tell me that there was no know explanation for my losses, I became pregnant with my sweet, wonderful son. My doctor took a stab in the dark to try to prevent another "spontaneous abortion" (my distaste for that term knows no bounds) and miraculously it seemed to work. Nine months later I had my boy. Thinking that the mystery had been solved, Randy and I decided that we would go ahead and have another. My body had other plans. After four more miscarriages, a chemical pregnancy that did not take and, finally, a change of doctors I had not given up and we were lucky enough to find out a little girl would be joining our family. My pregnancy with her was challenging, to say the least. Hyperemesis, ulcers, going into active labor at 30 weeks and then 7 weeks of bed rest. However, my precious girls was born healthy and loved at 37 weeks. Somehow, my family still did not feel complete. I did know that I needed to get my body as healthy as possible before I could try to have another. It took a little convincing to get Randy on board but I think he knew in his heart that we were meant to have one more little love creating chaos in our home. Amazingly (and I think partially, in thanks to our super-human OB) I am now almost 20 weeks with another baby boy. But. But, but, but, but...
Despite all the work I did to get my body ready for growing another wee human, things are hard. Really, really hard. I have vomited more times than can be counted, I have a wonky rib and I am so exhausted that I have been spotted falling asleep at the dinner table. To top it off, my body is starting to show signs that another preterm labor is "inevitable." You have got to be freaking kidding me!
So now, I have these constant reminders of my previous pain and heartache. Unfortunately, I can't just not use the body part that is causing the pain. They don't make a uterine immobilizer. I can't just not go pee. I have to drink a lot of water to keep from contracting which means I am peeing a lot and every time I pee there is the dreaded pink spot on the toilet paper. Reminding me that my body can't just get it right. That I just can't get it right.
So I live in fear. Fear that my baby will not be okay. Fear that I will not be okay. Fear that my two other precious loves will not be okay. Fear that Randy won't be okay. The memories of previous loss and heartache are eating me alive and I don't know how to make it stop. Please, someone, anyone, tell me. How do I stop using my heart until my injury has healed?
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